Thursday, December 3, 2009
(Long post ahead)
Nah, I'm not talking about that shitty movie Britney Spears was in, I'm talking about those certain events in life that make you really think about your past, present, and future all at once to the point life itself feels overwhelming. I think the crossroads/curveballs life throws at you once in a while is what makes and shapes us. We've just got to figure out which road to take or whether or not we should swing the bat the way we've been swinging it. It's like life gets really smooth and consistent, and all of a sudden you're hit with some event that flips you upside down. Clearly, I'm at one of those times, or shall I say just now passed the crossroads, onto a... new road?
Life seems to plateau sometimes and that's when you know you need a change. For some people I believe, it plateaus and just stays there. That's sad to me. But when people do reach a crossroads, I think it forces them to reach some sort of epiphany, some sort of realization about themselves and it contributes to which direction they take their lives. I think that's what life is all about, always growing/evolving as a person. I've found the road I'm taking, I think.
A couple of nights ago, when I reached my own metaphorical crossroads, I found myself literally at an intersection on the streets of Los Angeles. It was 2 AM and the streets were empty. A significant and rare thing because it's LA -- there's always cars. I just thought of how common car accidents were for a second and thought, "If I were to die in a car accident... now or like tomorrow, what would people say about me? What would they read at my funeral? What would my friends say about me in the eulogy?" "...Oh Brent was an ambitious guy with lots of asipirations... etc."? Which made me realize -- Ambition and dreams. That's all I have. That's the problem. I would just be one of the few that get into fatal car accidents in big cities everyday. Insignificant. I mean yes, we're all pretty insignificant in this huge universe of ours, but I'd like to be significant to my friends and family, and I guess... leave something behind? A legacy perhaps? And that itself, made me feel insignificant. I have no legacy, no by-product of "Brent's existence", there is no end result of ME. I wouldn't leave anything behind besides the memories my friends and family have of me, and my carbon footprint(Sorry EARTH, I didn't live long enough to make it up to you. I meant to buy a Prius, I swear!). I want to leave something behind.
My epiphany was: I refuse to believe only certain people are talented/gifted in some way. I think every single person has a talent/gift proposed to them at least once in their lifetime that they are capable of. Maybe some people are walking around who would've had this talent of playing the piano, but never pursued the instrument besides that one month of piano lessons when they were a kid. If they had, they'd probably be amazing by now and realized it long ago, but their cards just didn't play out like that in their lives. Maybe they just grew up never realizing their talent because they never had the opportunities to pursue it, or even see the value in it. It could be a million situations. I just know that either way, all people have the ability to do something well. Sometimes people are just out there pursuing the wrong thing (i.e. 99% of American Idol tryouts). I feel lucky to have realized some of my strengths, and that's where my legacy fails. I'm not doing anything with it. I'm not practicing it. I think it's like a sport, you need to train, train, train, practice, practice, practice, until you reach that level where it's... significant? I mean, I guess it doesn't even have to be a talent, it can be anything. It's hard for me to see or hear people talk about how much they hate their 9 to 5's, or how they didn't go for their dreams in one way or another. I realized it's because we're all lazy. And by lazy I also mean scared. We might be the people that just didn't get that extra boost of confidence from some random, past, life event for us to just go for it. We just sat on it, burying it under our couch cushions and never made our move because we were afraid of getting up and failing. All that buried under our couch cushions along with some change. The way life has been zipping by for me, even now I can see how short life can be -- especially if a random car accident can take it away from you. I'm so afraid of being that old man that lives the rest of his days with regrets, but I'm also afraid of failing. But then again, never trying is failure in itself right? So that's like a... Super fail. I think we all just need to grow some huge mental balls/ovaries and just go for whatever we think will make our lives more whole. There are so many things for me and I feel like I'm wasting huge chunks of them. I have plans. I have dreams. I have abilities. I'm not using or acting on them.
I NEED TO. NOW. Do you?
Posted by Brent at 4:12 AM