Wednesday, July 8, 2009

FRESH START...

Hey blog. Sorry I've ignored you for the past few months, it wasn't anything personal. I should be updating you regularly from now on.
Why was I gone for so long you ask?
Well it's simple really. I've been sort of jaded by the misfortunes and mishappenings of life. No depressing sob stories, but... more like boredom and plain, unhappiness in the "big-picture" scheme of things.
What do I mean by that?
I mean by how I just haven't been happy with what I'm doing. The whole school thing, not actually learning what I want, and well, I guess this should explain things:
I sometimes see certain friends that I haven't seen in a short while, let's say a couple weeks. They then ask me "So Brent, what have you been up too?" My usual answer 9 out of 10 times is, "Oh you know, same shit - different day."
Get it now? Yeah, I know right?

I want to start fresh with everything. And I mean everything. This coming winter, I will, surely this time, uproot myself and plant myself in Lake Tahoe for the winter. I will be taking a break from school, no matter if I have to apply again and wait to attend for a year. After September, I'll be 23. Which means when I go back to school, I will be graduating from college at age 26. If I choose to get a Master's I'll finish that by age 28. Do I really want to use up these years? It's like using up all your quarters for one mediocre game out of a whole arcade. Well that's my inner conflict. Up to this point, I have been totally content with how much time I was taking to get through school. I'm a unique person, I've been through unique life events that have changed my path more than the average person. I was okay with it. Until now. I feel stagnant. -"That's what she said!" Just kidding. Seriously. I'm going to get things going again. This blog even, will be fresh. I have the whole point of the blog pretty focused now. It's about Me. Before, I was a little too self-conscious of what I wrote, and how I wrote. I guess because I knew it was read by a few people I know. I also think it was because I didn't want to sound dumb, or like a bad writer. But I realize I don't need to prove my intelligence and ability to anyone. This is a blog, not a literary sample.
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So blog, I've been lonely lately. As you know, I've never been in a long-term relationship in my adult life. Age 22 turning on 23. That too. Socially retarded? Nope. I've just been a work in progress after a few laggy moments in high school with major life events and all. I've made some major transformations in just the past few years, so my friends and I know to cut me some slack about the whole lack-of-relationships deal. But what I have experienced recently was the possibility of a casual, physical relationship and it made me realize something. It didn't work out too well as she was pretty neurotic, insecure, and self-sabotaging. But what it did do for me was give me a taste. You know, a taste of that feeling of someone else sleeping in your bed, keeping you company. Someone you could lean on. It was nice. It filled that loneliness void I usually filled with time spent with friends. And it filled that void a lot nicer than hang time with the guys did. I can see it now. The ongoing cycle of casual sex, and short physical relationships. I'm so close to fitting that description. It's not a bad thing... I think it's just natural when you're single, and alone. You fill the loneliness when and with who you can like a drug until you find one that's different and special. Even as a guy, for me, I don't even think it's about the need for sex, it's just a need to be with someone, to fill that void.

1 comment:

Twenty-Something said...

I am so on the exact same page. Just literally returned from a blog hiatus myself and in need of a fresh start!

I also totally get the insecurities that your writing isn't "good enough". I know its bullshit but i always feel like no one else has to try to be awesome and funny and witty but seriously... when i do, try, it sucks the most!
So here's to us not trying and just writing!

By the way, best post so far. I'll be back for more!