Friday, March 20, 2009


So I've figured it out. Without going to the extent of calling it "depression" -- and no I'm not talking about America's economy, I'm talking about my "disappointment". I've allowed myself some personal reflection time instead of avoiding it in all this boredom I'm experiencing, and it's come out -- negatively. Just as I thought, and the exact reason I was avoiding it. I've come to realize how disappointed I am with how things in life go. Does it mean I have a totally negative outlook for my future? No. I'm too self-aware and confident for that to happen. I just realize that there are several disappointments in my life that I now have to acknowledge and address accordingly.

Intro: I have become self aware of my abilities. My arsenal of talents/faults. I know what I'm good at and what I'm not. Having this knowledge makes me a confident person, and confident in myself, which is a very good thing.

1. One of my biggest regrets is quitting baseball in my sophomore year of high school. I had natural talent, and I could've gone far in the sport. I would've at least played in college. Where am I now? Nowhere with the sport. But I've accepted it because even if I were able to go back in time, with all the other things going on around me at that specific time period of my life, I wouldn't have been able to succeed. A LOT of things were going on in my life at that particular time, including the death of my father.

2. I wasted too much time, specifically my later teenage years, not being confident in myself. This was due to a lot of things, including issues with self appearance, being about 40-50 pounds overweight -- after quitting baseball. Being down on my self confidence put me in a rut where I didn't do anything to change myself. It took a long time until I recovered to my regular physical self -- and my confidence literally shot back up to the level it should've been. I just regret how much time was wasted with me being so down on myself and insecure.

3. I am disappointed with the failure of my Tahoe trip. The trip meant a ton to me as it would culminate some maturity in my life -- being on my own and such, and initiate some seriousness into my writing. Specifically, it'd be putting me in an environment where there would be nothing else to do but enjoy myself snowboarding, writing, and developing my writing skill.

-Now that I have some of these written down where I can self-examine myself and my predicament, it should help me "overcome" these regrets and feel better about it. The struggle is actually letting myself examine the problems and let myself feel the onslaught of the feelings they trigger. It should help me though.

...That reminds me. I'm thinking about getting my first tattoo. Maybe I should just say "I'm thinking about getting a tattoo", because "getting my first..." sort of implies there will be more to come. I don't know about that. Let's see how the experience goes in the first place and we'll see.
I'm thinking about getting the latin phrase "Luctor et emergo" tattooed on the inside of my left forearm. The phrase roughly means "I struggle/wrestle but I survive/emerge". I saw the phrase in a book once, and I liked it. I looked it up online, and saw it was an extremely common phrase to get tattooed -- which should've been a turn off, but it wasn't. Why? Because the phrase actually has a strong, personal meaning to me. I would have it so if I were to raise my hand in front of my face, I could read the phrase, as in the words would be upright and readable - only to me. It would also on the inside of my forearm -- in place for me to see, and mean only for me to see. I don't care if other people can't read it, for it being upside down for them, the phrase and message would be meant for me. It's also on my weaker hand, the left. The phrase has meaning, simply because I have gone through so much in my life, a lot of negative things, and yet -- here I am, a well-balanced, confident, individual, still alive and breathing, trying to live his life to the fullest.

Help me choose. Which one looks nicer to you? Let's just name them "Top" and "Bottom" accordingly: