It's weird seeing one of your dreams crushed. It's only a dream... something that hasn't happened yet, or never will... But to see it fly out the window, never to happen, is a soul-crushing feeling. Dreams and aspirations are a deep part of your soul, it's what you want. What you desire, and BAM. It's gone.
My Lake Tahoe trip isn't happening.
I've dreamed of and planned this trip for the past year, and it simply won't become a reality. It's very disappointing to say in the extreme least. It's quite crushing actually.
A facebook event named "Brent's going away party" will now be cancelled, temporary depression will ensue, and countless explanations to questioning friends will... be countlessly explained, and an embarrassment-saving fib will be told.
Hmm. I have this blog linked in my facebook profile that I should really take down. The reason being, that I realize now I speak of some personal things that my actual friends don't really need to know about. Well, they should in a way since they are friends, but not in the frequency and in as much detail that I put things in here. I want to be a little more selective with my personal events. But for the intrawebnetters out there, I guess you all are my outlet. For the facebook event I invited 40+ actual friends to... they're going to get a slightly different story of the reasons for the cancellation of the "epic personal snowboarding/fun/snowboarding vacation" I was supposed to be taking. They're going to get the "Things didn't work out with the place I was supposed to stay in" explanation.
In actuality, getting a place wasn't the main problem. Parental-"kid" politics were. And yep at age 22, this shouldn't happen. Parental power plays were made, stubborness ensued on my part, and my aunt's, finances, and sleeping schedules, were brought up. For all the love we have for our parents, we all experience the most heinous bullshit coming from their shovels sometimes. Am I blaming the crushing of one of my top 3 aspirations in life on my Aunt? Of course not, and of course I will get over it. But lot's of PROMISES and things shouldn't have been made or said in the first place.
This reinforces the feeling I've had since the early years of teenage life: Expectations... should be kept at a minimum until it ACTUALLY happens. No matter how much you/people talk about something happening... I never expect much until it does. It saves me from disappointment. Because with all the "life" that happens, a lot of shit happens too.
Wow. The next two months look insanely bleak now since nothing's going to change. All of the thoughts/fantasies/images of what I would be doing for the next two months... simply aren't going to happen. It's almost surreal. Like it's not real, but sadly it is, and what a sad reality that is. It almost makes me feel sick. Like something that drops to the pit of my stomach.
On a happier note in contrast to my totally depressing blog post...
I think I have fallen in love with her: