Monday, January 26, 2009

spare some CHANGE?...

So I recieved this message on myspace from a friend recently, "i havent been up to much just school and working. what about you, now what since no tahoe?"

What a good question... I have to ask myself the same thing now too. It's been a few weeks, and for the most part, I've been doing the same ol' - same ol' thing. During the same ol' thing though, there are times where I feel extremely disappointed. I was looking forward to the trip for the past year, and it was a very important trip to me personally. I would've be on my own, in a city I didn't know, around people I didn't know, and have a lot of time for myself. All the while -- I would've been in the middle of a snowboarding paradise. Snowboarding is right up there in the top 3 passions and enjoyments in my life. Maybe my being "extremely disappointed" = slightly depressed. I'll get over it soon, but it's just weird how I planned out certain things for the next two months and it's simply not happening.

I've just been working, and hanging out mostly. I need another job.

I also need some CHANGE. Whenever I find myself in a rut like this... doing something new, or changing things around really helps. Tahoe would've done this for me. But now I figure, I need to do these: I need to find another job, start hitting the gym again, play soccer again, and write more. For the e-nerds - I'm basically like a backed-up computer with spyware that's become slow and I need to reformat and start fresh.

I guess this turned into a New Year's Resolution post. Funny how that happened:

1. Start going to the gym again. Build some more muscle.
2. Play soccer again.
3. Find a new job.
4. Write more.
5. Make time to see old friends more often.
6. Make myself happy.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Honesty Scrap Award...

So a fellow blogger and reader Penpusher has given me the Honesty Scrap Award. Apparently in the blogger world, this is given to people who write honestly in their blogs. Cool beans. I guess it's true if I think about it for a bit. What I write here is pretty honest, even when it makes me look "bad" in a certain way. But no worries, these are my thoughts and personal events, and I don't mind how they are judged.

Since I am awarded this, I have to write 10 very honest things about myself, and then pass on the award to 7 other blogs that are worthy:
1. I am ambitious. I think I can do and have the ability to do whatever I want in this world. There are so many things I want, see, and experience. I'm going to do it all.
2. People underestimate me. Always. But that's okay with me. I always show them what's up in the end.
3. Insecure. Who isn't in ways? Overall I'm very confident with myself, but there are always those lingering doubts.
4. I always need improvement. There are a lot of things I would change about myself. I think that's what life is all about. Trying to improve yourself, conditions, life, every single day. What are we progressing to anyways right? (Life) x (Improvement) = Happiness? Busting out the Asian math wizardry!
5. I suck at Math. Despite my Asian heritage, I utterly despise Mathematics. I can learn it just fine, but do I have the patience to do and learn it? No. Which makes me suck at it. And I'm fine with it.
6. Procrastinator. Big time. I'll put off everything until the last minute. I learned the phrase "Last minute" from my Aunt who mentioned it when I was 10. I've mastered procrastinating during the past 12 years since then.
7. Afraid. Afraid of a lot of things. Not the boogie man, or any of that, just afraid of the unknown. The future that lies ahead for me. The unsure, unstable, unpredictable events of the future. What will I be? Who will I become? What will I do... Maybe that's why I procrastinate. To put off the unknown until it has to be absolutely necessary.
8. Lonely. If I met me, I wouldn't think this of me at all. But yep. I get lonely sometimes. For as much of a social person I am, and having all the great and close friends that I do, and doing all the social things with them that I do, I still feel lonely at times. I can probably attribute this to the lack of a girlfriend.
9. Angry. Another one people wouldn't think of me. But yes, sadly its true. Been through a lot in my life, (people can't really tell that either)a lot of unfair things, so I do have a lot of anger inside. But life isn't very fair is it?
10. Friends = Family. I never grew up around tons of family like other people. No family reunions, no family camaraderie, no real large number of family around. They either live across the country, another country, or 5 hours away. So my friends are my family. I feel like I might be one of the most loyal guys to be friends with. Once you're in my mental list of friends, you don't have much to worry about with me. You'll have a reliable, trustworthy, brother, friend, by your side.

So now my turn to give out the award. I hope whoever I give it to didn't already do it. My list of blogs I read are pretty small to start with...

Honesty Award goes too:

(If you already recieved one, no need to do it. Then the award means... I appreciate reading your honest words)

Lilly Holiday
Healthy Lindsay
We'll All Float On
Musings(awesome poetry)
ChunksOfReality(I think one of the most honest)

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Windows and Dreams...

It's weird seeing one of your dreams crushed. It's only a dream... something that hasn't happened yet, or never will... But to see it fly out the window, never to happen, is a soul-crushing feeling. Dreams and aspirations are a deep part of your soul, it's what you want. What you desire, and BAM. It's gone.

My Lake Tahoe trip isn't happening.

I've dreamed of and planned this trip for the past year, and it simply won't become a reality. It's very disappointing to say in the extreme least. It's quite crushing actually.

A facebook event named "Brent's going away party" will now be cancelled, temporary depression will ensue, and countless explanations to questioning friends will... be countlessly explained, and an embarrassment-saving fib will be told.

Hmm. I have this blog linked in my facebook profile that I should really take down. The reason being, that I realize now I speak of some personal things that my actual friends don't really need to know about. Well, they should in a way since they are friends, but not in the frequency and in as much detail that I put things in here. I want to be a little more selective with my personal events. But for the intrawebnetters out there, I guess you all are my outlet. For the facebook event I invited 40+ actual friends to... they're going to get a slightly different story of the reasons for the cancellation of the "epic personal snowboarding/fun/snowboarding vacation" I was supposed to be taking. They're going to get the "Things didn't work out with the place I was supposed to stay in" explanation.

In actuality, getting a place wasn't the main problem. Parental-"kid" politics were. And yep at age 22, this shouldn't happen. Parental power plays were made, stubborness ensued on my part, and my aunt's, finances, and sleeping schedules, were brought up. For all the love we have for our parents, we all experience the most heinous bullshit coming from their shovels sometimes. Am I blaming the crushing of one of my top 3 aspirations in life on my Aunt? Of course not, and of course I will get over it. But lot's of PROMISES and things shouldn't have been made or said in the first place.

This reinforces the feeling I've had since the early years of teenage life: Expectations... should be kept at a minimum until it ACTUALLY happens. No matter how much you/people talk about something happening... I never expect much until it does. It saves me from disappointment. Because with all the "life" that happens, a lot of shit happens too.

Wow. The next two months look insanely bleak now since nothing's going to change. All of the thoughts/fantasies/images of what I would be doing for the next two months... simply aren't going to happen. It's almost surreal. Like it's not real, but sadly it is, and what a sad reality that is. It almost makes me feel sick. Like something that drops to the pit of my stomach.

On a happier note in contrast to my totally depressing blog post...

I think I have fallen in love with her: