Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Indifference

So I was listening to Pearl Jam - Indifference

It almost made me cry. Listen to it, buy it/steal it, whatever. This is going to be my emo post. Just a warning.

So I got to thinking about myself a bit. Some self-therapy if you will. There are tons of negative things that happened in my life - more than the average person that really shaped who I am today. I feel like it makes me that much more insightful to human emotion though. I think that's great for creativity and writing. Maybe that's why I can see right through people.

So to the issue I was thinking about specifically. When I was 4 years old, a mother-figure abandoned me. Just poof. Gone. Left me with my Aunt to raise me. That turned out great in fact, my Aunt raised me right. And she did it alone too. Total props to her, seriously. I think in spite of that, and other events that happened in my life, I turned out to be a pretty balanced, great individual. My Aunt is basically my mother and she always has been for the past 18 years. But it still doesn't take away the fact that I was a young kid who saw his own Mother everyday and all of a sudden realizes she isn't coming back. What does that do to a kid? It definately messes with him. And the thing is, I don't know if I have abandonment issues. I've never experienced anything in my life that will confirm/deny the existence of the issue. Hah, I sounded like the government there. But seriously, I have no idea until it happens or never does. I personally feel like I don't, but who knows. I have no problem meeting people, and then losing contact with them. Or being friends and having relationships with people, and then "losing" them in some way. It doesn't mess with me at all. It's normal.
- I feel like I should be getting to a point or something, but really there isn't a specific point. I don't think. The blog is really supposed to be kind of a therapeutic outlet anyways. Oh yeah, the whole point had to do with the Pearl Jam song. Right... Well "Indifference". It's all about taking what life dishes out, and moving on, stronger than ever. And really, what difference does all of that stuff make? Not much, because it shapes and changes you, but makes you stronger at the same time. I love who I am now, because I'm a terribly balanced, open-minded, genuine individual. I think I have an ideal attitude to handle this world we live in. The shit that happens doesn't make a difference if you yourself are a strong individual and know who EXACTLY you are. And that's me. Nothing will change that.

"Indifference" is really what I feel about my actual Mother too. She's not in my life, and never has been. I actually don't even think about her for literally YEARS at a time, simply because she never comes up. Only when I talk to a new person or whatever and for some reason it comes up I guess. It may sound cold in a way, but seriously, I don't know her. She's just a person living in who knows where, doing who know's what. And the only reason we lost contact, was on her part. So it's not on me. It's all on her. The last time I cried or felt sad about her not being around was when I was less than 10 years old. So that's that. Indifference.

- My father on the other hand... is another story in itself, so I don't think I'll write about that.

Anyways, major "Kudos", and "Props" to my Aunt. We have a great relationship for her being only my Aunt. I call her that, but I might as well call her Mom. I love that woman so much, it's retarded.