Sunday, December 28, 2008

Airport Blogging

So I'm sitting in the Reno International Airport Terminal with some free wifi. I decided to blog. So it seems that I have underestimated the forces of nature and the effect it has on the local Tahoe population's economy... as in places for rent. The recent storm that came in and brought fantastic conditions for the ski resorts made all the places that would normally let people rent the places by the month, now try to make the extra buck and rent the places by the night. They can easily make a couple hundred bucks a night just based on the popularity of the time to come to Tahoe at the moment. It's so packed here at the moment.

I took a look at the places I wanted to see, and I wasn't that impressed. The one studio apartment I found was in the perfect location, literally across the street from the Heavenly resort Gondola that takes you right up the mtn., but the studio was also literally a small, tiny, tiny room. Only enough room for a single bed, a small pathway, and not even a full kitchen. No stove or anything. Just a microwave and small refrigerator. It was depressingly small. I filled out an application and they haven't called me back, so I figured they've jumped on the bandwagon and are now trying to rent that place out nightly too now. I have a possible place in North Lake Tahoe through some Craigslist connections, but we'll see how that works out.

SO now the focus is on moving to Big Bear, CA. Which is only about 2 and a half hours from LA. And that way most of my friends can come visit me and snowboard with me. Big Bear has a nice, small, mountain-town quaintness to it. Either way, we'll see what happens. I have a lot of stuff to figure out in the next two weeks.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

"Go time" nearing...

I didn't notice that two weeks had passed by since my last post. It might have a lot to do with how I've been preparing for my upcoming South Lake Tahoe move. I think I'll be leaving January 11th. That's the day I think I'll move up there, but who knows. Nothing's ever for sure. I've been looking online for apartments and places up there for me to live, but it's hard filtering out all of the vacation homes, time shares, vacation cabins, and other such temporary places to live. It's such a vacation hotspot, it's hard to find permanent-ish places to stay there.

Anyways, I found several and I'm flying up to Lake Tahoe today with my Aunt to spend Christmas up there and take a look at some places over the weekend. It'll be my first "White" Christmas! It's the perfect time too, because there's quite a bit of snowfall up there right now. Which reminds me I need to confirm my flight. So I'll be there until Monday the 29th. It should be a fun time up there too. I'm taking my snowboard with me, and Tahoe will have brand new, fresh, powder snow.

Since the time for the move is nearing, it makes me realize how much I'll miss my friends. I'm a very social guy so putting myself into a sort of isolation - in a place where I don't know anyone, will be kind of hard for me. But I also think it'll be a good experience. And hopefully, it'll give me some time to write and focus on that. I'm planning a going away party at a great dive bar that me and my buddies hang out at. That should be an awesome time. I planned it for the 9th, the Friday night of the weekend I leave. I invited about 40 some people, so it should be a good time.

I'm looking forward to blogging while I'm up in Tahoe. It'll be an insightful time I think, because I'll be living on my own, be alone, and on my own. Should be interesting.

Happy Holidays everyone.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Coming of age?

So I was sitting at my desk cruising facebook and realized almost all of my friends that are my age, the very ones that I graduated high school with... are no longer in school. Back in June, everyone had started to post new photo albums of "Graduation" and etc. Has time gone by that fast? Am I really still in community college? Wow. Am I REALLY 22? Is it really going to be 5 years - half a decade - since I've graduated high school? It makes me a little sad because I haven't done anything significant with my life yet. No "legit" job, no degree, and no real life experience. I'm a little behind... but I always have been in certain ways. Then I realized how I'm okay with it all. Okay with lagging behind the others, because I'm doing things my own way, and my life is really - that unique. From the time I was raised by my Aunt, to my childhood, to a lot of things. I've always been a little different. A good different though. An "Out-of-the-box-view" kind of different. So I realize now that even with the majority of my friends on their way to the dreaded, stereotypical, cadence of society's "model" life - the 9 to 5, and the lack of time... I go on because I know I'm going to make the most of my life and always do things a little differently... A good different.

On another note, I feel like getting more personal about the things I do in my life. I never really remember how I meant for my blog to be a little night-life oriented coupled with my trials and tribulations. Maybe I've kept that blog description honest, but maybe I haven't. I don't feel like I have, but I guess what I'm going to talk about blends the two - Nightlife/Brent's trials and tribulations - together nicely.

Girls...
In the past two weeks, I've been getting some attention. It's been nice. My best friend that I always go out with is a real "player" I guess you can call him. He gets a lot of action too. But of course, I wouldn't associate with a guy like him if he was a total asshole like I just made him sound. Let me explain. He's not a "player" in the traditional douche-bag sense of the word, he's actually a genuine, nice guy. Which is exactly why, he attracts girls. And he doesn't get "action" in the traditional d-bag sense either. He doesn't deceive/manipulate them, and he doesn't give them any false expectations. I guess you can say between him and the girls, it's all mutually casual. And for a guy like him who's not looking for a serious relationship, I guess he's in a great place in his life at the moment.

Anyways, I met two girls in one week, and both within the nightlife scene. I don't see myself as a player like my friend, because honestly, I don't think I could hack all the attention. Whenever he mentions a girl nowadays, I literally don't know which one he's talking about anymore. I'm a pretty confident guy, and I've got some charm, but I don't go around the whole bar trying to talk "game" or hit on girls all night. I just have a good time with friends, and if someone comes along, nice. And that's what happened. The first girl was on Tuesday night at a bar. We'll call her "N". She was the friend of a girl Josh was meeting with, and of course I got dragged along. N turned out to be a very pretty redhead that was actually a couple years older than me. When we danced a little bit, it turned out she was a couple inches taller than me also. Although I think she was wearing heels. (To fast forward), by the end of the night, we were making out in my car. I got the vibe that she wanted to keep things casual, (as did I) so we exchanged phone numbers. It was a confidence booster also, since she was older, taller, and also a different race(white). Race doesn't matter to me at all, and I mention it only because it was just nice to know that it's the same with others.
A week later, I met the other girl which I'll call "R", at a party. Now I've met her two previous times at two previous parties, so apparently we're part of the same circle of friends. And everytime she sees me, she seems completely smitten by me. I don't mind at all of course, but it never escalated beyond that until that party. We were having a good time, and having a conversation outside of the party until she kissed me. Making out ensued. So by this time I had confidence pouring out of my pores (still do at the moment) because both girls now have come on to me first. From R - I got the vibe that this was just a "friendly", "casual" kiss. I totally agreed with the vibe too.

So finally the point of all this... Since I've been experiencing so much "play" lately, and seeing my friend be a "player", I feel like I'm getting sucked into "the game". I don't think I want to play it though. I feel like I'm in the position where I totally could, and be "good" at it, and turn out to be THAT GUY. You know? But I honestly think I may be too sensitive. Not trying to sound sensitive or anything, but really. It may just all be too casual. It just makes things a little less... real.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

"Go Time"...

So it's 5 AM Saturday morning. And yes, it's the usual. I have just come home from a late night out on the town on a Friday night. I'm feeling a little reflective tonight and self-actualizing because when you're out on the town in LA, hanging out at certain spots as I do, it's inevitabababable that you meet someone in the "biz", the "industry". The film industry that is. It just makes me want it more. The "success".
Success in Hollywood is - Consistency. A few weeks ago, I hung out with A.J.-from the Backstreet Boys with a few of his girl-friends. He gained weight and was kind of living in the past. He went out of his way reminding me and Josh who he was because we didn't acknowledge his "celebrity" when we first started a conversation with his friends. We treated him like every other person we meet... normal. -Which you tend to do when you meet celebrities in Los Angeles. Anyways, it made me realize how success in "the biz" doesn't last. It didn't for him, even when his band was like... the HUGEST Boy-Band for a few YEARS. That's pretty huge.
What does "success" as a screenwriter comprise of? Not much in reality. Hypothetically, let's say I sell an "indy" script. A script for an independent movie. Maybe something that won't be seen in theaters, but straight to DVD and maybe a showing at some obscure film festival... in let's say... Jacksonville, Florida(No offense to Jacksonville-ians). I would earn a paycheck of something in the tens of thousands. Something like $10-30,000. That's not much if you think about it. Especially in an expensive city such as Los Angeles. That would last me about 6 months if I live modestly, and lease a decent car.
Let's say I sell a major studio film that would be in theaters... I would make something in the hundreds of thousands. Something like around $90,000-300,000 - typically. Still not enough in LA-terms. A modest 2-3 bedroom, 1 story house in a NICE area here can cost up to $1-3 million. The major motion picture script would pay my bills for a nice apartment/condo/loft for a couple years. That'd be nice, but I would have to be one CONSISTENT writer pumping out scripts that are marketable... consistently to continue that lifestyle. Hard thing to do.

Anyways, what I'm trying to say is that Lake Tahoe - my "Dream Trip" is happening VERY soon. It's coming. I can feel it. Especially in my pocket... because I just spent $355 on a brand new snowboard. The "SkiDazzle" Ski/Snowboard Expo came into town at the Los Angeles Convention Center and tons of ski/snowboard stores sell off product at bargain prices. I got a brand new, 2009 model K2 - Podium - snowboard that retails for $400+tax for only $329. Pretty good deal considering the stores still sell it for $400+tax currently. About $80 off retail price. Good deal to me.

I got sidetracked there. Let me attempt to make the point again: It means that "Go Time" means more than snowboarding for 2-3 months straight. The whole point of the trip is to throw myself into independence, isolation, and most important of all... WRITING. I want to be taken seriously as a writer. And the only way to do that, is to have something "serious" to read. I have samples of course, but nothing that shows my true potential. I want to be Successful in Hollywood. 99% of screenplays out there are terrible, and it's a fact. I NEED to be in the 1% that write good scripts just to be able to have them READ. I truly believe and KNOW that I have talent, and can write well. But I need proof. And this purposeful isolation and loneliness I'm going to put myself in Lake Tahoe... I need to take that time to really write. Pump out some scripts, and some real well-written, REFLECTIVE, INSIGHTFUL writing...

It's GO TIME.

Monday, December 1, 2008

So I've been kind of preoccupied with thoughts about the Lake Tahoe trip on here, but as "Go time" nears, thoughts about it get kind of boring. I think it's because in about a month, it'll become reality, so there's not much anticipation anymore. So no more salivating for the fresh snow, I'll be in it soon. And hopefully a lot of it - if Mother Nature decides to be a little generous this season.

Back to the LA nightlife chronicles of Brent. And a little more about the places...

So I talk about Beauty Bar a lot, and I frequent the place almost every weekend with one of my best buds, Josh. This is where we usually hang out Friday/Saturday nights:



-The long haired bartender in white is Vince. Former Mighty Ducks Trilogy alumni. But don't mention it to him, he's shy about it.

So yeah, the place is very trendy, and very popular. That little room gets packed full of people, and has barely any room to dance. But people pull it off somehow. The music is great, they play pop-y, alternative, dance-y stuff. For example: MGMT - Electric Feel.
Great song by the way. Me and a couple friends were there on Friday night, had a couple drinks and hung out. When it hit about 12:30AM, we decided to hop over to the 4100 Bar in Echo Park.

Now the 4100 is a whole different scene and feel from Beauty Bar. 4100 is way more relaxed, "mature", and lounge-y. Very lounge-y. But it's the perfect place to hang out with a group of friends. They have seats, tables, and sofa benches all along the edge of the place, so it's great for large groups of friends. Here's the 4100. It's on Sunset, and kind of hidden away except for a neon sign saying "Cocktails". The cool places are always low-key:




I feel like I'm portraying myself as a bar bum or alcoholic with this post. But nah. I'm not. Just having fun with the guys at age 22 and hanging out at some cool places.

Other than that, I'm deciding whether to post about a girl I met last Tuesday...

Friday, November 21, 2008

Dreams and avalanches...

So funny thing. I was thinking about all of my dreams and aspirations today, and I thought about death. Not in a grim, depressing way, just in a true, thoughtful way. Here's a short list of what I want to do in life:
1. Snowboard everywhere (Andes, Argentina - Wanaka, New Zealand, The Alps, Alaska, etc.)
2. Skydive.
3. Write a complete Bucket List...

-Then I thought of, "What if I were to die doing one of these things?"

That has to be one of the most profound questions I have ever come up with simply because of the complexity. "Yeah! What if..." I truly, have no idea. Snowboarding is in the top 3 of what I'm most passionate about. People can say how much they enjoy it, but they probably won't have as much passion about it as I do. I would drop certain responsibilities to spend every winter somewhere doing it. Back to the complexity. Yes. It's a Catch-22 in all forms. If I don't do certain things, my aspirations won't be fulfilled, and experiences won't be experienced. But if I do, I risk losing it all, and not being able to finish the other things. A total "Damned if you do, damned if you don't". I remember using that quoted phrase in a high school essay once, and it got graded down for "offensive language". Random, I know. I just remembered thinking that was bullshit.

I got to thinking about death because of the high occurance of avalanches in backcountry-snowboarding. Actually, in backcountry-anything. Relevant because backcountry snowboarding is what I'm going to be doing the most in Lake Tahoe. The backcountry is great because it's untouched powder, and natural terrain, but of course, all of that can bury you alive. It's a scary thought. I think if that were to happen to me in Tahoe on one particularly powder day, I'd probably be really angry, or really happy if that run was the best I ever had. No but seriously, if I were buried alive under snow, I'd panic. They say not to panic, but how can you not? I don't think I'd be able to accept death either. I have too much ahead of me, and things to experience. Living in Lake Tahoe is only step one towards my snowboarding goals too, so I've really got to stay alive! No worries though, I'm a careful guy.

I should be posting a lot about Tahoe in about a month and a half when I get there. And I'll have a helmet cam too! Nice. They're great for filming last words... Haha. Just kidding.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Plans...

School Plan Update:
Okay. So I sold out. I sold out to my college counselor's well-balanced, and sensible advice to stick with Sociology as my major for the sake of transferring. The plan is to get to the college, and then change my major to Film while I'm there. At the moment, all I need is one Math class to be finished. And that's the class I just dropped. I wasn't doing well anyways, so no worries. I will apply this month, and be pretty much guaranteed to get into a Cal-State college of my choice, but ONLY if I finish that math class by Spring semester. There lies the predicament. My Lake Tahoe trip - will have to be cut short in a way, because I will have to come back to LA in time for the Spring Semester. And this is a trip I have been looking forward to for the past year... But I don't think I'll sell out on the trip. I'm going to stay as long as I want. I've been going to this school for the past 4 years, floating through with mediocrity, and even though I haven't tried hard, the fact lies that I've been attending and doing this whole school thing for the past FOUR years. That's a long time, and I'm burned out. I have to decide whether or not now to take a year off from school and apply next fall instead. I think I will take a year off though...



LAKE TAHOE!
So I've been planning this Lake Tahoe trip for the past year. Well, maybe just dreaming about it. But it's about to become reality in about a month and a half. The main reason for literally moving to this snowy heaven, is for the snow. To ride it, surf it, and be knee deep in it. Snowboarding. I imagine waking up regularly at the crack of dawn (never thought I'd ever say that) for the first time ever in my life, just to get first-powder. To get that first run in on the slopes, through fresh, untouched powder. Just thinking about it makes me squirm.

The second reason for going up there, is to sort of isolate myself. I think it'll be very therapeutic and refreshing. I'm a very social guy, don't get me wrong; but I think it'll be nice for me to be on my own, away from home, and just... alone. With the cut down of distractions, I'll also be able to Really work on my writing. Maybe pump out a script or two, and some short stories. God knows I'll have the time for it up there. I'll probably need a job up there, but I'm sure I can bum through it with some "whatever" job. I'll be fine. As long as I have my season pass to Heavenly ski resort, I'll be fine.

Being from LA, and having lived no place else, save for Las Vegas for a couple years, I've never experienced "weather"; as in all four seasons for any long period of time. I'm going to love waking up, and not wanting to leave my bed because of the cold. I'm going to love making myself a fresh cup of coffee in the morning, throwing on a jacket, and stepping outside to drink it in the cold. I'm going to love breathing in that fresh, un-polluted air, and smell that comforting smell of wood smoke coming from someone else's cabin chimney. God, I love that smell. Mix it with cold, fresh, winter air, and you have yourself a cocktail for your nose. I don't know if you guys know where Lake Tahoe is, (Yes, I have become increasingly aware that people are ACTUALLY reading this blog and now I'm addressing you. It's amazing) or what Lake Tahoe is all about, but it's absolutely awesome.

Lake Tahoe is on the border between California and Nevada, way up north from Los Angeles. About a 6-7 hour drive. It's right by Reno, Nevada. Anyways, the lake itself is huge, and it's been described by many as a piece of heaven, because the land around it is so gorgeous. I agree, even though I've never even been there. But I've seen pictures. Porn for snowboarders really. South Lake Tahoe (the area I will live in) even has a Casino strip. So there's like a main street full of Hotel Casino's and nightlife. A little sliver of Vegas basically. A lot of the city is a tourist village area too. With shops, restaraunts, etc. So the nightlife there is awesome, a lot of tourists, and just a lot going on. So it's practically the perfect place for me to spend a winter, aside from let's say Park City, Utah, or Aspen, Colorado. Maybe I'll do those next year... or better yet, I may just move to all the best ski resorts around the world every winter for the rest of my life...

Some pictures:
-I'll be in South Lake Tahoe, on the bottom right hand corner. In the 'Heavenly' ski resort village area.
Heavenly Ski Resort... Snowboarder's porn.


Look at that water...
Emerald Bay
The Casino Strip. Harrah's.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Letter to my College Counselor

I should be talking about me moving to Lake Tahoe for the winter, but I have to put that off for now. I guess this leads into that anyways:

So it's 3:12 in the wee hours of the morning and I'm sitting here in front of my fairly brand new laptop that freezes at least several times a week. I'm supposed to be studying for a killer Statistics exam I have in about 5 hours(8AM class). The class is pointless since I've decided to make a big change tonight. I've decided to change my major and start over if I have too. As it says in my profile, I have been attending a community college for the past 4 years...

Letter to my College Counselor
Dear College Counselor:

Wow. I am coming to you in pretty bad shape. As you can see, I have had trouble passing certain classes, and my GPA hovers over a 2.7. Nice right? Well, I have to tell you. I have had almost absolutely no motivation for the first 3 of the past 4 years I have been attending your fine institution. Sure, your college is the best community college in California, boasting the #1 transfer rate in the state. Kudos. I'm sorry to be such a disappointment. You could've spit me out as a successful transfer student in less than two years if I was on track right? It's true. I'd just like to say for the record, that my GPA does not truly represent my academic abilities. It's just that... I didn't know what I wanted to do for so long. Add 'Life' onto that plate, and that's where you'll see the low motivation come in.
I'm frustrated too. I know you don't want to look through my record that's twice as long as everyone else's and be expected to know what exact advice to give me. Yes Counselor, I want to do film. And yes, I know that my current major is Sociology. Why you ask? Well, I guess I was kidding myself last year when I decided to stick with Sociology for the sake of finishing school faster. I guess I'm burned out from going to school for so long, and with my heart and effort not being in it in addition. I thought I'd just power through Sociology, finish it, and finally transfer to a University with that major. But now that the time has come(this month) to apply for transfer, I have come to the realization that spending two more years completing a major that I have no real interest or use for... is stupid. It would make two more years that much more miserable. And yes! I know my passion is film, and writing, so why am I doing Sociology?! It's crazy I know.
I guess all the time I've spent floating through your school made me just reach for the proverbial pistol and take the easy way out of choosing "any" major to finish instead of starting all over to complete film.
Good news though dear College Counselor. I have decided to switch over to the major that I would actually enjoy finishing. Film/Screenwriting. I figure, why waste two more years getting a Sociology degree I have no use for and being unhappy while doing it? Even though changing to film will take extra time, it's fine with me. I'll be extremely motivated in doing well in it because it's what I want to do.
So I guess what I'm asking is, let's throw away all of those education plans we wrote up these past four years, and write up a totally new one. Sorry I know.
And also... We're going to plan this stuff around my Lake Tahoe trip. Yeah about that, I'm moving up there for the winter. Yeah, I know, that'll take up the Winter and Spring semesters. But I need this time. For me. You understand don't you? Of course. So yeah, we'll need to write up those ed-plans for the time I come back.

Thanks,
-Brent

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Booze and Cigarettes... Life.

I'm always inspired to write after a night out on the town. Maybe it's the booze and cigarettes, or maybe it's me channeling Bukowski. Either way, it's a bad habit. I should resist writing only when I have gone out and had a few drinks and smoked some cancer sticks. I'm not a smoker, just "on the weekends". Doesn't that sound lame? It does... but people use it, and I do also.

So I went out on the town in Manhattan Beach. Several miles south of Santa Monica Beach. It was only about a 15 minute drive, but far away nonetheless. Dios mio! I forgot what I was going to post about. I spent about a thought and a half figuring out that Bukowski bit above and I completely lost track of my main point... Shit. I'm still trying to figure it out...

Oh yeah! This deserves a completely new paragraph simply because it took me about a minute to get back on track. My life:

My life consists of events that I'd like to think contribute to who I am and who I become. Maybe not even "what I think". It's simply true. All I'm trying to say is that my goals in life are too:

1. Experience everything I can.
2. See everything I can.
3. Be completely Genuine and "Me" while doing it.
4. Be happy.

I have said this line so many times in writings and in my journal, but it's worth saying again because it's a tasty tidbit grouping of words: "I want to be THAT old man. You know, THAT GUY in the room, on his death bed, surrounded by loved ones, and younger people. THAT GUY in the room who is totally content with how he spent his life, and how he lived it. THAT GUY who is totally HAPPY with himself, and his life, and what it meant. THAT GUY who knows he influenced other people and affected their lives in a positive way somehow. THAT GUY who changed society for the better somehow, even in the most miniscule way... and THAT GUY who is ultimately happy - On his death bed." THAT is the guy I want to be.

...So I guess what I'm saying is, or getting to, are two Charles Bukowski quotes that I agree with wholeheartedly:

"The nine-to-five is one of the greatest atrocities sprung upon mankind. You give your life away to a function that doesn't interest you. This situation so repelled me that I was driven to drink, starvation, and mad females, simply as an alternative."
-Charles Bukowski

"This is a world where everybody’s gotta do something. Ya know, somebody laid down this rule that everybody’s gotta do something, they gotta be something. You know, a dentist, a glider pilot, a narc, a janitor, a preacher, all that... Sometimes I just get tired of thinking of all the things that I don’t wanna do. All the things that I don’t wanna be. Places I don’t wanna go, like India, like getting my teeth cleaned. Save the whale, all that, I don’t understand that..."
-Charles Bukowski

-Two of his more famous quotes. What these quotes mean to me is simply this: Yes, really. Who is to say that we are supposed to follow some pre-determined structure and format in our lives? In American society, we are expected to get good grades in high school - Get into a 'Good' College - Graduate and Get a 'Good' job - Make lots of money - and be "Happy". Who says you have to do it that way? What about all of your little dreams and aspirations? Surely your 'Work' can't be it. When are you ever going to have time to do all the things you want with a 9 to 5 right out of College? Experience/See the things you want? While you're still young? In your prime? You can't! Pretty soon a family will come about, and responsibilites will be stacked on top of each other. I don't think life should be played out that way.

I'm going to do things my way, and take my time doing it. Because in that time I take, I will be experiencing LIFE itself. And seeing LIFE as it happens. Not while driving by it on my way to my 9 to 5. Not witnessing things behind a windshield and strapped down by a seatbelt while stuck in LA traffic. But in it. Living it. Because I have Complete confidence in the End, that I will be successful in what I want to do, and I will be "fine". I will have lived life the way I wanted to, and feel good that I did it in my own way. Self-satisfaction. Satisfied with how I spent my life.

-This leads me to my next post about me moving to Lake Tahoe, California for the winter. All by my lonesome.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Indifference

So I was listening to Pearl Jam - Indifference

It almost made me cry. Listen to it, buy it/steal it, whatever. This is going to be my emo post. Just a warning.

So I got to thinking about myself a bit. Some self-therapy if you will. There are tons of negative things that happened in my life - more than the average person that really shaped who I am today. I feel like it makes me that much more insightful to human emotion though. I think that's great for creativity and writing. Maybe that's why I can see right through people.

So to the issue I was thinking about specifically. When I was 4 years old, a mother-figure abandoned me. Just poof. Gone. Left me with my Aunt to raise me. That turned out great in fact, my Aunt raised me right. And she did it alone too. Total props to her, seriously. I think in spite of that, and other events that happened in my life, I turned out to be a pretty balanced, great individual. My Aunt is basically my mother and she always has been for the past 18 years. But it still doesn't take away the fact that I was a young kid who saw his own Mother everyday and all of a sudden realizes she isn't coming back. What does that do to a kid? It definately messes with him. And the thing is, I don't know if I have abandonment issues. I've never experienced anything in my life that will confirm/deny the existence of the issue. Hah, I sounded like the government there. But seriously, I have no idea until it happens or never does. I personally feel like I don't, but who knows. I have no problem meeting people, and then losing contact with them. Or being friends and having relationships with people, and then "losing" them in some way. It doesn't mess with me at all. It's normal.
- I feel like I should be getting to a point or something, but really there isn't a specific point. I don't think. The blog is really supposed to be kind of a therapeutic outlet anyways. Oh yeah, the whole point had to do with the Pearl Jam song. Right... Well "Indifference". It's all about taking what life dishes out, and moving on, stronger than ever. And really, what difference does all of that stuff make? Not much, because it shapes and changes you, but makes you stronger at the same time. I love who I am now, because I'm a terribly balanced, open-minded, genuine individual. I think I have an ideal attitude to handle this world we live in. The shit that happens doesn't make a difference if you yourself are a strong individual and know who EXACTLY you are. And that's me. Nothing will change that.

"Indifference" is really what I feel about my actual Mother too. She's not in my life, and never has been. I actually don't even think about her for literally YEARS at a time, simply because she never comes up. Only when I talk to a new person or whatever and for some reason it comes up I guess. It may sound cold in a way, but seriously, I don't know her. She's just a person living in who knows where, doing who know's what. And the only reason we lost contact, was on her part. So it's not on me. It's all on her. The last time I cried or felt sad about her not being around was when I was less than 10 years old. So that's that. Indifference.

- My father on the other hand... is another story in itself, so I don't think I'll write about that.

Anyways, major "Kudos", and "Props" to my Aunt. We have a great relationship for her being only my Aunt. I call her that, but I might as well call her Mom. I love that woman so much, it's retarded.